To say the subject of President Trumps “Make America Great Again,” campaign motto has been discussed is a gross understatement of epic proportionality. Lauded and laughed at by some political sycophants occupying a side of the proverbial aisle. With a new election drawing ever closer, the question remains. Has Trump made America great again? And how one restaurant chain is showing all of America how he has.
First, I think a clear definition of what made America great needs to be established. Second, when did it stop being great? Lastly, how did Trump right the ship? Your mediocre author will now attempt to enlighten the ignorant among you to these facts! It’s time to leave your “safe-space, hate-speech, echo-chamber non-confrontational bubble.” This is the real history of America, the kind not taught in your socialist high school.
It was a frigid grey morning in Boston, not unlike any other mid-December day. The sun lazily rose above the blue-green water, its rays shrouded by encroaching clouds. Strong men on stronger ships hoisted crates, secured nets, and tied lines, as they began unloading their aquatic bounty from the sea. The wharf started to bustle and came to life, waking as had the Boston sun. Fishmongers loaded wooden carts with fresh catch, blanketed the precious cargo with mounds of ice while arguing who was the most magnificent Boston Red Sox Hall of Famer. Noisy delivery trucks from Boston proper loitered just beyond the harbor, filling the air with foul black exhaust smoke. The year was 1773, and everything was about to change.
Any real American knows where this story’s headed, The Boston Tea Party! A bunch of pilgrims dressed like the guy on the Quaker Oats container got together with Indians(tomahawk not red-dots) sat down on the dock of the bay to celebrate what would later be known as Thanksgiving.
Pompous British redcoats incessantly mocked this peaceful ecumenical gathering, laughing that the Americans enjoyed “iced tea,” didn’t have a queen,” and every six months received a cleaning from their dentist. Teasing was subtle, but to sit idly by and pretend that oral health care was not a necessity, or that gum disease was not preventable, along with a multitude of disease that can be avoided, according to the American Dental Association, by brushing twice daily and flossing(preferably utilizing a Waterpik) after meals?! Bostonians felt the British had wiped their ass with The Declaration of Independence. This blasphemy from a people so tightly gripped by the effects of inbreeding that their teeth rot in their mouths? Americans retorted to British bullying with WAR!
Which brings us to the first real piece of substantial writing in this article. Americans are great at war. We invented war. We love war. War gives America the justification needed to conquer and exploit the resources of an underdeveloped nation. Is America a bully? My xenophobia mandates I answer no. America is the keeper of the free world. You’re welcome Europe for your freedom to pursue universal healthcare and lower emissions while we spend billions protecting you from The Russkies and The Huns.
If that doesn’t persuade you to the greatness that is America, here is a list of American inventions that helped shape the world we live in:
- War – It is a big one.
- The Internet – Maybe you’ve heard of it?
- Freedom – You’re WELCOME!
- Television – Your eyes are welcome.
- Music – Your ears are welcome.
- The Twilight Series – Your private parts are welcome.
- Honorable Mention: Crocs, Myspace, Smart Water, Gordon Ramsay.
That is what made America great.
Now, lets see where we stumbled.
It’s difficult to pinpoint an exact date, if you put a gun to my head(America also invented guns) I would throw out January 20, 2009 – January 20, 2017, when a dark cloud came over the White House. If you read “dark cloud” and notice the dates correspond to the Obama presidency, and you think racism…you’re a racist! My father was an immigrant, and he is a veteran! I am above reproach, and I transcend any labeling as a racist. The “dark cloud” reference is “visual writing” where I am instilling an ominous and sinister tone that lets you the reader know of an upcoming plot point.
This has nothing to do with race or even Barack. It has to do with Michelle Obama, and her war on The American Dream; indulgence. More specifically, overindulgence. That’s The American Dream, having more than is close to necessary to live. Before January 2009, America did just that.
Ever seen porn? America has. And Americans “grabbed it by the pussy,” put it in a spoon, heated that spoon, sucked the contents of the spoon into a needle, and jammed it into its arm. The statistical data of how many adolescent boys that believe they will get to impregnate their step-moms and step-sisters are not yet available for peer review. However, I think the American Psychiatric Industrial Complex is sure to generate a few bucks from this affliction.
Drugs? America has them, and we love them! War? America has that too! We as Americans enjoy drugs and war so much we combined the two, creating the “War on Drugs.” What about Food? Supermarkets in America have such an overabundance of food that millions of tons are thrown into locked dumpsters every year. The lock on the dumpster keeps out the destitute and homeless, who wish to feast on this delicious yet deleterious American waste.
Are there homeless in America? You bet! Nestled under bridges and homesteading in back alleys, lay the “Great American Hobo.” A large number of female vagabonds are victims of domestic violence. Among the men? Veterans of the numerous wars that Americans selflessly and voluntarily enlist to fight in.
Religion, obesity, insecurities, children born addicted to narcotics, immigrants, abortions, alcoholics, sports, money, poverty, consumption, food additives, cancer, pollution, heart disease. Come to America and indulge in your preferred vice. Don’t have one? America can fix that for you.
America had over a thousand years of indulgence before Michelle declared war on the fatty, and took chicken nuggets away from children’s lunches. Another war in our history. Americans molded from the womb to consume, faced a realization that they were not what was intended. Fat was not beautiful. Fat was unhealthy. America sat its big fat ass down on the sofa, sinking deeper into the cushions, the cushions of depression.
There America sat, ashamed and afraid, soiled and weeping. America was down, but the fat bitch was not out. A hero stood ever vigilant, ready to restore America to her former glory.
Just as hope was waning, Rootin Tootin Donald Trump rode in on his white horse of freedom! A coif of hair resembling baled hay in both color and texture donned “the don’s” head. Orange skin glistening as the horse galloped nearer. McDonald’s hamburgers in one hand, a fistful of freedom in the other. Trump crashed into and added another crack to The Liberty Bell, the metallic YAWP clanged over a docile nation and awakened a most formidable sleeping contingency of the population. The white man.
Jean shorts and white tennis shoe clad warriors marched not entirely in unison. The white man is not known for his rhythm. Tiki torches at the ready, faceless millions followed the human embodiment of American Overindulgence to the polls. Cries of “you will not replace us,” reverberated off tennis courts and echoed from Fox News. The “Great White Bloc” was on the move.
The white man is to be feared by all people. He is cunning and vengeful. He enslaves his people and bends them to his will. He cannot and will not see reason. He has created many great cities, then, without cause, burned them to the ground. The Gods created an enigma, a walking fool. He shall be king and rule over all things, and then he shall bungle and lose his kingdom. “For Hell hath no fury as the white man scorned!”
The rest is history. Trump would lead his army to victory and capture the presidency. Spewing contrived racist remarks, shitting on whole cultures, eluding to lusting after his daughter. Hilary still lost.
What does any of what you just read have to do with KFC? I’ll tell you!
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, Harry Truman dropped the bombs, Billy Clinton blew his load on a woman’s dress, and she kept the goddamn stained thing. Donald Trump showed Americans that you could be American again. It’s okay to be selfish, greedy, or even a liar. Being American means never having to say you’re sorry. Being American means, you’re better than everyone else. Screw that pornstar, cheat on your wife. Fuck your husbands best friend while he’s on deployment, he’s going to come home and choke you out anyway. Kick the dog, punch the baby in the fucking face. You’re an American, fuck it all.
The barbaric cruelty of enslaving innocent generations eventually lead to an atmosphere that allowed Lincoln to free the slaves, even though a war was fought in part because of it. Freedom was gained by sacrifice. The ability to technologically advance the human race and also destroy it was made possible in an atmosphere of war. A war against tyranny, Truman haunted by his own decision. Billy’s dick made it possible for him to get oral in the oval office.
Last is Trump.
Trump’s gluttonous greed and perverse pandering gave rise to the absolute worst qualities we have as Americans. Independent thought was violently gang-raped and left to die. Ned Beatty in Deliverance squealing like a pig raped. The Last House on the Left rape scene rape, which made me feel a bit uncomfortable.
Each side heavily entrenched, inoculated with the respective rhetoric blaring in perpetuity, “na-na-na-boo-boo.” Our Countries leaders put their fingers in their ears and stick their tongues out at each other. We clap and laugh as we are entertained at this circus. “Mad Dog” Mattis, the last real American badass dipped out of the soap opera we call politics. Everyone is offended by something or someone. Everyone is a victim. Possibly soon to be in another war in the Middle East. Meanwhile here I sit clutching onto my girlfriend, refusing to loosen my grip in fear of losing her because I can’t handle being single in this age of anarchy and unimpeded chaos, I assume anyone that looks like a woman also has a dick!
Chaos. Chaos is the point. It was this chaotic environment that allowed KFC to put Cheetos on a goddamn fried chicken sandwich. This cultural fusing of demented and delicious white-trash treats, to me, symbolizes a victory for Trump.
Has Trump made America great again? If the definition of great means glorifying a general lack of empathy and freeing the perverse, narcissistic, unchecked American Id onto a world whose throat you’re stepping, fuck, yes.
Now go to KFC and try this sandwich.
Toasted bun, a layer of Cheetos cheese sauce, Cheetos blanked by fried chicken. I got mine without Mayo. It wasn’t that bad. Cheeto breading on the chicken may have been a bolder move for the future.
As always, thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this article like and share. If you hated it like and share and let people know.